I was never very good at saying goodbye.

I never really understood the obsession with the new year. Although, when I was drinking, the first week of the new year and the first week of lent were my favorite because everyone seemed to stay away from the bars these weeks, leaving me alone with my juke box full of Patsy Cline and Johnny Cash, to sit in silence and drown my own sorrows. It may have been my few many attempts and failures at new year's resolutions that helped me to conclude you can start anew each and every day. You can start that day over at any point, so why not the year. I still scoff a bit thinking about my lofty goals of cutting back on the offensive language in public, or possibly uncrossing my arms long enough to humor the idea of embracing a new acquaintance with a hug; these tasks seem monumental to me to undertake for an entire year let alone one day, so I would brush off the idea of a resolution entirely. And then I read in one of my favorite texts there are differences between resolutions and decisions. Unluckily for me they don't tell you what they are, but in my little experience having done both, I had resolutely attempted to turn my life around dozens of times. If I could only change my behavior enough to make braving the new day tolerable I could possibly stay alive another day... and each time I would "fail". Then came along the decisions. I put the cigarette out... and no matter how hard it is.. continually make the decision to not pick another one up. Fuck that's hard... and there goes the offensive language.
I still hold that all of the major changes in my life have never happened on a January 1 of any year. The day I got sober, quit smoking, opened my business, started teaching yoga, the list goes on. It wasn't until having this very conversation with my beloved that the idea that the completion of those tasks was never the ultimate goal, but the journey that changes us. I had told myself I wasn't going to smoke cigarettes anymore for ... well... since I started smoking.. and it took 10 years to quit. But I truly believe I couldn't have quit, and have stayed quit (1 year + now) without all of the attempts. I'd been suffering long before I quit putting harsh chemicals in my body, years in fact, and each attempt to quit was another step closer. This is paralleled in all of the other wonderful things that have happened over the years. Having had this experience I still am unclear why a new year is so powerful for some people, and on some level I understand completely. It's the chance to start anew with an entire year long calender to back you up.  And even if half of us don't make it past the first week or month even, it was the attempt to make the change that changes us internally. It may change us fundamentally or reinforce for us that we have potty mouths and we just don't give a fuck what other people think about it.
So in an effort to embrace the world around, to try it before I knock it, to start the clock over, I will make resolutions. And, I will be kind to myself if I "fail", because even if I don't make it through the entire year, I made the attempt.. and took the first step.
Blessings and Love to you all in the new year.
-Annie

Because writing always makes me feel better....

Honestly, it's been a rough few weeks. I do love all of my jobs for very different reasons (I bartend/serve, teach yoga, and own my own soap business). Owning my own business shoves reality in my face on a daily basis, especially the reality that business don't grow themselves. There is work involved, a lot of work. Being a self proclaimed introvert, selling items has never been my strong suit. I have a hard enough time answering the phone when I don't know who it is let alone selling my items to people I know and don't. It still very much feels like the lemonade stand my sister and I constructed when we were kids, although I have to admit, I think I felt more confident then. In order to even move slightly forward I feel I have to muster up the courage to even get the words out "hey, I make these things... they're pretty good.. I sell them.. you know... if you're interested...". And that 7 year old girl who is toeing the sand in front of her, looking down, waiting to be picked for a recess soccer team, never knowing how to approach people and what to say, comes back and I gasp and face my inherent fear of people and what they may think of me.
Tending bar and serving tables has been my profession for the last 13 years. While I admit I am a long way from the 15 year old Milk Shake Girl working at Swensen's I still constantly face an uncomfortable truth that I am horrible at starting conversations. Most of my bartending conversations go like this "HEY! How are you doing today!?" - Me "Great! You!?" - Them "Great, thanks!" - Me... and then it ends..... and I'm lost.. and I back away slowly looking to awkwardly start and walk away from another conversation. When I was drinking I loved the bars that had no one in them, I liked the bartenders who kept the beer coming and never asked me how my day was. I didn't want to be friends with the bartenders (I think because I suspected no one could be friends with me), I wanted to drown in my pitchers of whatever was the cheapest beer with a Johnny Walker Black back and drink myself into oblivion. I didn't start conversations with my bartenders and for years approached my job this way... I thought my job was to do my job but part of bar tending is creating conversation. Only recently did I learn that I have to create relationships. Before I get myself into too much trouble, it is a social interaction I have never really understood but it continues to push my out of my comfort zone and learn how to talk to other people. It only gets slightly easier each time.
Which brings me to teaching yoga. I love this job. I have never thought I was capable of doing anything other than waiting tables and tending bar. Given the opportunity to work in a space that is filled with years of love and light, the energy fills me with confidence every time I walk into the space. I am learning to take the seat of the teacher (which is difficult for he 7 year old shy girl, 16 year old Sundae maker, and even the 29 year old almost woman who has only recently felt comfortable in her skin). When I step into the classroom I am humbled that anyone anywhere would be willing to walk into a class that I am teaching, by the end of the class I'm reminded of how far I've come and how far I still have yet to go, and I LOVE IT. It is such a comfortable feeling to know I am right in the middle, right where I need to be, and know that everything I need to be the best version of myself is already in side of me and already has been.
I've felt for a while now that I've been in a weird limbo between wanting to move away from an old life and enter into a new one. The tightrope is wavering, unsteady, and the drop is long. Or maybe it's not. Maybe I am much stronger than I thought, maybe the lemonade state was the precursor to the business, maybe learning to ask how someone's day is, is the skill I need to learn to make me a better teacher.
I'm really not even sure why I'm writing this, hopefully someone somewhere reads this and feels the same, or has been through the same things and can offer some experience? Not sure.. maybe it's just to give credit to those young girls (whom I still pray for sometime) and honor their journey.
I'm also not good at ending blogs... or conversations... so I'm going to slowly back away and awkwardly start another conversation somewhere else...

Girl Gone Guinness

I had been wanting to make soap out of Guinness for a while. I had done some research on beer soap and wanted to try it out not only to expand the inventory, but because of the benefits of using beer versus water. Beer is made from hops, hops is good for the skin, the beer actually helps to create a fluffier(yes, that term is scientific), more stable lather (or so I had read), and again who doesn't love to rub good ingredients all over their body!?
For any normal person, this process would prove to be no hurdle, but, not for me.
I haven't had a drink since March 23, 2010, and I quit taking pills that didn't belong to me shortly after that. This means I have not purchased any alcohol for myself in over 3 years. Aside from the one time I can remember that I purchased an alcoholic beverage for a friend's birthday I haven't even brought wine over for holidays or special occasions. That being said, I still work as a bartender, and, alcohol and it's consumption (outside of me) is a part of my almost every day life. I can swiftly make drinks and pour beers, that are not for me, with no emotion attached to the movement at all. I am also a grown ass woman, but I still got a bit nervous when asking my wonderful boyfriend to buy beer for me. I felt like I was 16 again, asking my older friends to buy me a bottle of Boone's Farm. "What kind?"-Them. "I dunno... peach?"-Me (with a shrug and quizzical look that meant, I have no idea... which ever one will get me fucked up the fastest). Matt also gave me a confused look when I asked him to buy me beer (sprinkled with the loving anger that said "If you drink again I will sick all of your girlfriends on you").
Fast forward to our grocery shopping trip and I saw him pick up the Guinness and put it in the cart, "You also wanted some apple cider right? Amber or Hard Crisp?"-Matt. Now, this is the part where my arms are crossed, my eyes are darting around the liquor aisle looking for the escape route, and my feet are shuffling with the anxiety of the aforementioned 16 year old girl. I reply with something that must have sounded like a high pitch squeal "Uuuummmm..... I .... Uuuugghhh". We go to check out and I make Matt handle the exchange of cash so I can still claim I have yet to purchase alcohol for myself. Throw all the beer in the trunk and in my head we are speeding off with the intensity of a beer run, euphoric recall is a bitch.
Matt opens all of the beers to let them flatten out so I can use them in the soap. I pour a Guinness into a cup to let it flatten out faster so I can use it in my next batch, then start the process of making the Guinness Shavin' Soap batch. After making the batch all of my flights of fancy about what other people would think about me making beer soap, if other people might wonder what I was doing with the leftover 6 pack, and any self doubt in my abilities to be able to put the bottle down and not touch the other 5 had diminished and I got back to doing what I love, which is creating something that feels and smells good. I am so blessed to have a hobby that I love doing, that helps me help other people, and continues to push my personal boundaries and creativity on a daily basis. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the entire process that went along with making it!

You MACA me... healthy?

Let me start out by saying that I absolutely love the internet... and the Universe... for two very different reasons, but when they collide, the result can be amazing, and hopefully by the end of this post the correlation will be evident. Let me list the events in the order I think makes the most sense...

1. It is suicide prevention week. This subject can be dark and heavy, I know, but that's because .. well.. it's a dark and heavy subject. It seems so fitting that it be in the beginning of September, because every downward spiral that I remember always started in the fall. I'm not sure if it was the return to school that always caused stress and strep throats, the impending holidays, the end of carefree summer days and the resulting return to responsibility, the birthday of a mother who had left her family, or any other number of things that could have caused it, but September always felt like the beginning of the end. I don't know how to say this any other way, but when I am depressed I am strangled by thoughts of unworthiness, ineptitude, lack of desire, and a general unenthusiastic look at everything... EVERYTHING. It is an inescapable cold dark misty room, that even if you were to find the walls would lead you nowhere. One of my favorite bloggesses agrees. She offers solutions as well as a reiteration that YOU CANNOT BE REPLACED, and I love that idea. Because, NO ONE gets my jokes the way my dad does, NO ONE loves Oso as much as I do, and I am their ONLY sister. Knowing all of this I now have a responsibility to honor those relationships, and a big part of that is to be present for them.

2. RESOURCES!!! USE THEM!!!! Meds are important. I am not a doctor, and sometimes despise them, but they know things about meds and how to prescribe them that I do not. I also hate the idea of having to take a pill every day for the rest of my life, BUT I DO IT ANYWAY, because the alternative is that black mass of heavy sludge that follows me around incessantly. I also see a therapist, am able to talk openly and honestly with my family, and have cultivated friendships with women who will call to check up on me and kick my ass to get me back in line if I need it. All of these facets are important, and like a three legged stool would collapse if one of them was missing.

3. I have had the distinct opportunity to walk a dear friend through the loss of a loved one due to suicide. The rock is big and heavy, and leaves huge rifts in the otherwise somewhat calm waters of the heart. Not only are the ripples large and seemingly unending they know no bounds emotionally, or in terms of physical distance, and, in that moment suicide became a non option for me. Through their pain I got to see how far the rabbit hole goes. I owe my undying love to a God that supplied the opportunity for me to be but one of His children. To offer Grace, Calm and Understanding to a heart torn to pieces. I could only hope that I did His work well.

4. I believe that all of this, ALL OF THIS is meant to make us better equipped to face another day. My struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts, the fight to climb out of the dark, and then the ability to give back to someone who experienced it is a gift. And with that gift I have a responsibility to give back as much as has been gifted to me, and that is my life.

So.. with that... even though I may have gone a bit far off track, I believe it is important to explain a bit about where I come from and how it applies to what my aim is. I only want to make things that are good for you, good for your skin, and maybe in those darkest days, a sweet smell can momentarily take you to another place, away from all of the darkness. I want to be the comfort for you and your skin and your body, to help you learn to love yourself the way that everyone else does, wholly, fully, and without condition.

It seems a bit trite to plug in a product here, but I was hoping to explain the correlation. The ingredients I use are meant to be healing, uplifting, and nurturing to each individual who uses them.
This latest batch used Maca Root Powder, which was prompted by one of my other favorite bloggesses explanations. Aside from all of the other cool vitamins and minerals Maca contains, it can help to reduce depression, stress and low energy levels... among other benefits. Really, with all of the over processed crap we put in our bodies on a daily basis, I just want to help everyone put more amazing things in and on their body to help make them feel good. Making soaps and lotions is also one of the things I have found that can pull me out of a funk on any given day. Not only do I get to create something with my hands, I can produce something that is useable, good quality, and filled with love, time and attention to detail. I cannot explain just how much this has given me self confidence, a sense of accomplishment, and a full belief that I am able to give back to the world and people that have helped saved my life time and time again.

I also made a yummy shake with it... just for fun =)

There's just so much LOVE on my skin today.

When I started this project I was certain that I was drawn to all natural ingredients simply because I could pronounce them and could easily identify them (think Cocoamidopropyl Betaine, Olefin Sulfonate, Sodium Luaroyl Sarcosinate, and Potassium Cocoyl Glutamate compared to... say... Shea Butter, Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Coconut Milk, Apricot Kernel Oil, and Vitamin E). Too often I would find myself scanning ingredients looking for things I could relate to, identify with, understand, pronounce and remember easily, so I could reserach if they were harmful or not. I soon was lost in a sea of -pyls, -sulfates, -laureths, -nates, and -fins. What the F is this crap anyway? Drawing on my elementary education I recall my bell bottom wearing, frizzy hair donning, delightfully outrageous 4th grade teacher reminding us to KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid..)... cool, I'll use shit ingredients I know work, and have been around MUCH longer than this lab produced stuff. So I seek out the natural stuff; the butters, the oils, the essential oils because I believe they carry with them the care with which they were produced, ESPECIALLY the organic, fair trade and recycled items I try to incorporate. Each ingredient has a story and that story gets absorbed into your skin! Isn't it BEAUTIFUL! An entire world of love, experience, care, knowledge and life, and you can have ALL OF IT (this is the scene where we pan across the meadow and I'm frolicking amongst the daisies and butterflies).

Ah, here I am, back on Earth.

SO, the moral of this fairy tale, is that the stuff you put on your skin matters, and it matters to me, too. I'm learning to love and care for this large and under appreciated organ, so I talk sweetly to it, caress it, and think good thoughts for it, as well as feed it good food. We give it the same care we would a seedling, or newborn niece, or lost puppy. We give it the attention and care it deserves, because it is the culmination of all of the stories and lives that have happened before it. And, because, we need it, for our personal containment, and, to continue to write the story.

I am a huge believer in the reality that we absorb EVERYTHING; the thoughts, the memories, the physical properties, the ENERGIES, the love. Science says so, too. We absorb the things we put on our skin, sometimes between 60 and 100 percent of the things we touch. The most permeable areas being the sensitive areas under your arms, around your genitals, the bottoms of your feet, YOUR HANDS (the area most commonly used for touch), your lips, the area behind your ears, and your face. Don't believe me? Ask these people, or these, or these, or this company, or this newspaper.

GET TO THE POINT, you're screaming I'm sure... OKAY OKAY so here it is. I'm learning to LOVE my body, and I want you to LOVE yours too. I want to honor it by putting amazing ingredients on it.. to let it know you care... SO, ALL of the items produced during this endeavor will a) use only stuff you can pronounce, 2) be FREE of fragrances, dyes, and harmful chemicals, d) be sourced from vendors who produce organic, fair trade, locally wild harvested, or recycled materials AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Because, well... I LOVE YOU, and you should LOVE YOU TOO.

-Annie

Oh the many uses of Activated Charcoal

While bored and surfing the interwebs, I had come across an interesting blog about how to whiten your teeth. It was written by Crunchy Betty, one of my favorite, make it from home and on your own beauty bloggers. She explains one use of activated charcoal as a tooth whitener. You can read more about this here. I was intrigued and went to my local hippie grocery and found some and thought I would give it a try. This concept hadn't startled me because of other instances in which I knew charcoal to be an absorber of toxins... more on this in a bit. After trying the charcoal as a tooth whitener and succeeding (thank you Betty, my teeth are the whitest they've been in a very long time, and naturally too!) I thought I would research other uses (because you can't have just one...please don't sue me Frito Lays). I found that because of the absorbent nature of charcoal it is often used in face wash to combat acne and impurities! BRILLIANT! I had been searching for a natural face wash I could make at home that wouldn't dry my skin out or cost me my phone bill every month. So I made this bar and am incorporating it into my line. Being a new business owner and honestly someone with no knowledge of "social graces", "head to mouth filters", "networking", and "proper product advertisement", I test out my explanation of this new soap on some coworkers.

"What is this?" -They ask
"It is a soap made with activated charcoal, that's where the black color comes from" -I reply.
"Why charcoal" -I've got them interested! Yes!
"Oh! So, you know how when you overdose, you go to the hospital and they pump your stomach with charcoal? Same idea! It absorbs all the nasty stuff, literally pulls is right out of your skin!" -Nailed it.

.... crickets wouldn't dare chirp, they would know it would be too loud....

I received some blank stares, some dubious eyebrows, and some started to back away slowly. Well, that approach didn't work...try again next time. Aside from the other uses for charcoal, this stuff does actually do amazing things for my skin. Ive been using this bar since Christmas last year and have fallen in love with how my face looks and feels. Aside from the occasional monthly or post break up chocolate binge I have had no impurities pop up and I know what I'm putting on my face. Charcoal, you are my hero.
Annie

Mmmmmmmmmojito

I have been incredibly fortunate in my life. This doesn't mean that I have the next winning lottery numbers, or a magic wand that will get you the promotion, the soul mate, or an ornery tomato plant to grow, but that things tend to usually work out, the way (I'm assuming) they are supposed to. A little explanation... I like the color green (yes, it does generally start off as simply as this), and was looking for a natural way to color my soaps at a local natural foods market, here.

Much to my excitement I found a bright green colored powder that was softly calling my name. Barley grass powder... sweet... no idea what it is but, is it sure pretty!!! I packaged it up, brought it home and it sat on my shelf for a few months until inspiration spiked! On one of those famously hot days here in Tucson I was searching for a way to feel refreshed. I had some limeade in the fridge and a fresh bottle of sparkling water, I went to water the plants outside and found that my spearmint plant was leaning over it's pot begging to be plucked and placed carefully into my limeade. BOOM, mojito! That's IT! How sweet it would be to incorporate lime and mint into my soap, and.... guess what I have just the thing to add a touch of color. So I grabbed my ingredients and went to work. 

But wait... what exactly is this barley grass powder stuff... I didn't want to put anything in my soap that would be harmful or have adverse reactions to some with sensitive skin so I did some looking. Turns out barley grass powder is full of good stuff! It is high in anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, beta carotene and chlorophyll (which can also be used to wash drug deposits from the body). SCORE! Thanks be to that which makes my favorite color green! Sometimes I like to think that it is my inner hippitude, my deep rooted Gaia, my basic need to kneel and kiss the Earth that lends itself to such happenstance discoveries... or maybe I just like the color green. 

All of my musings aside, what results is a luscious, latherous, skin libation, that is pretty good for you too!

For more info on barley grass powder... look here.

Ingredients: Saponified oils of olive, coconut, shea butter, palm, and castor, water, coconut milk, essential oils, barley grass powder

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE

I have a long lasting love affair with coffee. I dare say it was my first true love. As a little girl I watched my dad grind his own beans, the produced aroma intoxicating. Soon after I found myself working at a local coffee shop, and into my twenties would sit every morning with fresh coffee cup and cigarette in hand, having my morning moment with God. Whatever gets us to sit and have a moment; the smell of a desert rain, a newborn's first smiles, or simply a hot cup of joe on a crisp morning, we get to experience life, and in those experiences I get to discover more and more about how life is meant to be lived. To me it is easy simple. We are meant to live life in the moments they exist, for only in those moments do we exist fully with them. So, without getting too far off track, for whatever reason (and I understand this may not be the case for a lot of people) my morning cup was more than a morning cup, it was a chance to pause and just be me... just be Annie. It allowed me to get to know her, and love her, and for that and many reasons more, my affair continues. So here it is... a bar of soap dedicated to moments...

Cocoa & Coffee Butter

A rich coffee butter bar with medium lather. There are no artificial ingredients, so no overpowering fake coffee smell, just a light coffee smell that comes naturally from the coffee butter. Cocoa powder is high in antioxidants and helps with cell rejuvenation.. besides.. who wouldn't want to rub cocoa all over their body? 

Ingredients: Saponified oils of Olive, Coconut, Palm, Coffee Butter, and Castor, Water, Coconut Milk, Cocoa Powder