Yep, that's right, my husband, his best friend Dan and I ran the Spartan Sprint yesterday. If you don't know what the Spartan races are (I had no idea, pretty much up until they released us from our corral yesterday), it's an indeterminate length(4 to 5 miles?) of up and downhill running inter-dispersed with horrible horrible horrible obstacle course activities for sadomasochists, fitness junkies, and college students with their bright eyed enthusiasm about how they can bounce back from a hangover while running under the aforementioned conditions.
Here are the facts; 1) I am not a runner 2) I do not run 3) Running any distance is neither enjoyable for me, or comfortable on the knee I've had meniscus and an ACL repair on 4) I love my husband and 5) I love to try new things that challenge me, physically and mentally.
So our herd is released from the corral at 9:15 and we immediately run right past the parking lot where all of the cars are and I am fighting everything in me not to slightly veer left, duck behind the nearest car, find the keys to our car and enjoy a nice nap for the next few hours, but alas, my pride wins over and I tell myself I can finish this (what I assume is an.. ) easy 3 mile jog through the sunlit canvas of a Phoenix Sunday morning unscathed. First up, a wall we have to jump over, then one to roll under, and then jump through, and then we do it again. I watch my husband fly through these with ease, roll under the wall and hop over the walls no big deal, I'm a quick learner. Okay no problem here... not too bad, the knee is doing okay, my stamina is fine, my vision is fine, I'm a bit out of shape but that is fine. I am sure the 2 well trained Marines I am with are not even breaking a sweat, fighting the urge to blow through the next few obstacles, but I tell myself this is just a warmup for them, ha, which proves to be more true than I thought. Then we start running again... okay.. now another wall. This wall is about my height, maybe 6 ft tall. I jump and have grossly overestimated my ability to scale walls like Spiderman. Okay cool, so now if there were a pack of rabid dogs chasing me I'd be dead, good to know. Well, maybe if they were weak from hunger I'd be okay, I have to give myself some leeway, I mean.. I am running from rabid dogs in my own "why would I ever need this knowledge in real life, it's the same reason why I refuse to learn calculus" fantasy. Second try, I jump a little higher, pull from the strength of my spirit animal and complete this obstacle. Cool, what's next?
We run a little more, the terrain is more sand and wash like.. and the knee starts to hurt, but I cannot let my husband know he married a weakling, so we press on. It starts to get worse, I voice my concern, because there are visions of me not being able to care for our kids when I have a prosthesis for a right leg. How I jumped from a sore knee to total amputation? Not sure.. it just happens.. follow along. At this point my memory starts to get fuzzy. I think there was some more running.. yeah probably more running.. the Marines.. my husband, Matt and his friend Dan... haven't even broken a sweat yet.. Dan is forced to wait for us every few hundred yards or so because he grossly overestimates my ability to keep up. Next up in the obstacle round? Move this big heavy object over there, do some burpees ( a burpee is some sort of movement designed by Satan to slowly reduce your love of life over time, you drop, do a pushup, jump up, clap your hands above your head and repeat), and then bring it back. WHAT!? you have got to be kidding me!? Why would I even want to move this huge ball of cement over there? Has anyone ever asked this spherical object if it even enjoys being moved this way and that all day long, feeling as used as a shopping cart must, with all work and no play? Again, I can see the parking lot, it's so close, but so can everyone else as this is near the start and finish and I'm pretty sure Matt and Dan would notice if they saw me sprinting toward the car. Okay, so I pick up my new friend the cement orb, I speak to her nicely, tell her it's all going to be okay, that I'm going to drop you on the ground but only because I lack the back strength or social graces to set you down nicely, I do my burpees, pick up my new friend again and carry her back to her beginning destination, preparing her to be used by another Spartan.
And then we run, or walk, or breathe heavily and slow down, at this point I'm not sure, my vision is getting fuzzy, I'm holding on to my husband for support, resisting the urge to fall over dead. But we trudge on. Next up (I think... I told you the memory starts to go here) is a rope and pulley system with a weighted bag on the end. Matt instructs, sit down, pull with both arms, you'll be fine. Surprisingly, this one is not too bad, my upper body strength is holding up as we haven't had to do this entire race walking on our hands, awesome. Next up, the rope climb. There are maybe 20 ropes, held up by a scaffolding system, hanging over a pool of waist deep muddy water. Cool, I got this upper body thing, I find the
Oh, what the hell is this!? Next up, let's crawl under some barbed wire while some jackass sprays water on you. Well, shit.. that other part wasn't so bad, I'm pretty skinny, I can manage. The first 5 feet not so bad... We "climb" up over a minor hill and into a pool of muddy water... the icy cold water is actually doing wonders for my knee, giving it a moment to cool down and not move, then we start our big ascent up and I am now either hallucinating or just hating barbed wire so much I think they've actually placed pieces of broken glass in this obstacle. I think about writing a strongly worded letter, and then realize the waiver I signed stated in large BOLD RED LETTERS, YOU COULD DIE!!! so I decide not to and just tough it up. I'm a big girl, I've got my big girl panties on, let's go. I shimmy my way to the top, and then see the others rolling sideways down. Got it, remember I can learn quickly. So let's roll! What they don't tell you is this makes you dizzy as shit! I get up and walk to my husband in what I assume is a drunken straight line. And we march on.
Next, I don't remember, some inverted wall I bet, some other stupid stupid climb, some go up this mud hill, go down it and wade in some cold muddy water and repeat (again good for the knee so no complaints here), take this big bag of sand up this hill and bring it right back to us, then drag this cement trapezoid through sand by this large chain up this huge hill then back down, at which time I think Matt and Dan are so tired of watching me get stuck they help pull the stupid stupid trapezoid back to it's starting place. Then there is another rope and another wall thing, and a spear throw, which consists of a broom handle with a musket spike attached to the end, which in all my skepticism I doubt the Spartans had muskets.. or broom handles.. Anyway, you throw this spear at some hay (I'm not sure what the hay did to deserve this but we are so close to the finish so I throw) and holy shit it sticks! SO if I can't outrun some rabid dogs I could fashion a MacGyver spear and probably lightly poke them to death. Then we turn around a corner and have one more wall to go under, this one is up to the brim in muddy water so you have to swim under. Awesome, I was a swimmer in high school, I can hold my breath for 3 seconds no problem, then while you are all wet and muddy hold on to this rope and climb up another slippery wall. AND THEN WE CROSS THE FINISH LINE.
That last paragraph is pretty indicative of my mental state at the time also, a little hazy, detail resistant, and blurry. But the finish line, oh, the finish line, I've never eaten a banana that tasted so good. I am warming up under the Phoenix sun, enjoying the embrace from my loving husband, telling me how proud he is of me, that he's seen grown men not be able to do the things I've done, and secretly I'm thinking how little he knows about my rabid dog survival skills. We attempt to rinse off in the "showers" (a bank of hoses) and collect our t-shirts and converse with the others who've just finished, then start our journey back to Tucson.
Today? Well today, I've noticed how many bumps, bruises and lacerations I have, and notice that every muscle in my body hurts, and I know this is only day 1. I'm laying in bed... thinking about chores, but really just loving that I have the day mostly off and enjoying the time with our animals, and here are the facts that are still true, 1) I am not a runner 2) I do not run 3) Running any distance is neither enjoyable for me, or comfortable on the knee I've had meniscus and an ACL repair on 4) I FUCKING LOVE MY HUSBAND and 5) I love to try new things that challenge me, physically and mentally.
