ter·ror
[ter-er]
1. intense, sharp, overmastering fear: to be frantic with terror.
2. an instance or cause of intense fear or anxiety; quality of causing terror: to be a terror to evildoers.
I started this journey officially in August 2013, although in hindsight it may have started much earlier than that. It may have been that one moment in D's class(circa 2010) when he said my extended side angle pose looked "good" (still to this day one of my favorite poses). It may have been the couple months I was trying to get sober and would weep silently in savasana. It might have been the moment I found out about the teacher training at an impromptu breakfast with two dear friends and the feeling I had in my heart that God wanted me there in August. Or it may have been the first workshop I took with Darren and Christina in January of 2013 when, after an intense morning of back bends on the second day, I sat in my car and cried my heart open during the lunch break. I was unsure of where it would lead, but knew that it would change me. It started with a love of practice, and an untapped desire to be helpful to other people, to possibly allow them the space to find the things they wanted in life as it has for me, and it has become so much more.
Our YogaHour 200hr Teacher Training is coming to an end this weekend, and although others are excited, nervous or possibly even sad for it's culmination, I, am terrified, and add to that the fact that I am scared to admit I'm terrified. A lifetime of insecurities are flooding the space between my ears. "What if I fail the test?", "I was never good at memorizing", "I probably did too many drugs and now my brain is fried", "I will be the only one to choke, they will all laugh at me and drum me out of the studio". Even in the time I've found to study the sequences and script I find myself drifting into these places of doubt, self-pity, and terror. It feels like now I am not only fighting the battle to study well, but first to fight off the dragons that keep me from learning, growing realizing my true potential, and it is exhausting.
When this is all over this weekend, I will have already taught 41 hours of yoga, and my heart is so full because of this. Already so many amazing memories have happened in the big studio at YogaOasis and Yo Downtown, that I feel blessed to call them home. I think the reason why the test terrifies me more than anything is because it is not a true reflection of the woman I have become over the last 6 months, 1 year, 5 years. This introverted, anti-social, awkward human being can now stand confidently in front of a classroom and teach fairly well. And although as soon as the class is over I fold back comfortably into my previous self and reflect, I am happy. I have a hard enough time articulating what that means to me let alone putting it down on paper. And although I'm absolutely terrified that any of the aforementioned "failures" may happen I know in my heart of hearts that even if I sat down in front of my instructor tomorrow and cried the entire test period I would be okay, because I've already received so much more than I bargained for.
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